I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
