You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize