i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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