dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
