Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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