Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
