Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize