she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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