I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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