Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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