This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize