He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
