she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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