I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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