My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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