that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
