my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
