Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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