Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
