im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize