i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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