Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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