My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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