My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
