I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
