Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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