Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
