I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
