How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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