Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
