we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Blow job season was short but glorious.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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