hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
