God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize