I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
They have beer where we have blood.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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