please come you make the beer taste better
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
