Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
i think im in europe. pls send help
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
