the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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