jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
