walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
