Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize