I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
