smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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