But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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