Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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