Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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