apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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