I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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