Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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