I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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