last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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