I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
