Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
