I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
