Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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