So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
