Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
