I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
