I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
