Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
