"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
