Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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