i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
